I am lying on my bed. My body is still, the silence in the room stands still. Almost every intake of breath can be heard. You can almost hear as this stillness is crunched by the chilling of my breath. The air is almost on the verge to snap. This is not calmness anymore. I am scared. It is in the middle of the night, I am sleeping, dreaming and I am in a state of fear. This feeling pierces through my bones. Drops of sweat run through my body, I start to gasp and I keep on hearing those voices. Stronger and stronger. Voices that do not want to cease.
– Come down to Earth!
– Stop being a dreamer! Go and find a real job!
They are stronger every night, they penetrate always more aggressively in the secret corners of my mind.
– You will never get out of this!
– Why do you want to make a change? Just accept that the World is just as it is and accept your destiny – the voices keep saying.
These are voices that I know. Family members, so called friends and other supporting people around me. Are they really supporting me? Or do they just want to take away my aim? I often have doubts.
– Why would You be the One to reach it?
And then I hear them again, as my family turns against me. With hatred and pity in their voices.
– I am ashamed of you, you bring disgrace to us.
– You are a scumbag!
– It is time you live a normal life. Happiness is a privilege, do not look for it…
Maybe they are right? I almost always become uncertain. Perhaps I am carrying my family’s stigma? Maybe I will never find reconciliation?
– You are just like your mother; you will end up killing yourself.
Maddening thoughts are tormenting me, but I am fighting against them. In my dream I never back down because no one can take away my aims. These are my fears during my road. The negative voices, the forces that hold me back and that sometimes kill my motivations for a moment. But I will not give it up. Never. I am a fighter.
My heart is about to jump out of my chest, I can hear my heartbeat now, which beats faster and faster, I am in a distraction. And every night begins with the same end, I scream!
I scream as loud as I can, I am screaming for my aims!
We are only tiny drops in the vast ocean of life. We are either driven by the current or we are holding on to one or more chosen, stabile spot. Most of us settle down, but there are a few of us who feel ourselves well on the back of the waves. We are wanderers, peculiar wanderers of freedom.
We come to know various cultures, mentalities during our travels in far away lands. It does not matter whether it is summer or winter, cold or hot, the only thing that matters is the new and the unknown, the possibility of hope to reach our aims. Thousand miles away from home we are all looking for the same. A World, a place where can be who we want to be, a place for our inner freedom and for our self-realization.
This is a difficult and exhausting path for every living being, a track where sometimes we have to swim against the flow of the flood. Sometimes we take a step back, we yield a bit, to then set off to the unknown, the land of our hopes with renewed strength and energy.
It is often a straining path, now and then all of a sudden the swirls take us with themselves and we swim with the flood, with the multitude of happenings. With due persistence our inner compass always shows us the right direction. Even when everything seems to be lost our deepest part of Soul knows the right way. We are wanderers, lovers of real life. We are peculiar people, at times extremes, crazy-like figures but most of all free.
It is easy to spot the particular, the special and the exotic in such a life, as it is mine. I also have traveled for decades to find who really I am and I have learned, let life to shape and form me. I have traveled the roads of Life.
The many travels are seldom equal with freedom and do not always carry happiness within. It is the freedom of will, to be able to do what we really want to do and to gain or achieve the opportunity to do all this is what makes us really happy.
If someone is traveling by free will it can be a wonderful journey, but mine was not by choice. It is magical to live in so many different places, but there is so much more behind this. It is difficult to perceive and understand the real, the harsh side of it.
Every new travel began with a multitude of fear and unexplainable pain. I always had that inner feeling of continuous change and leaving behind things and people, breaking away from things I knew. After a while this thought, sense of loosing people, places you got to know becomes part of your whole self and it circles your heart in the form of a sort of fastened chain. With time all these emotions, thoughts like a dark veil fall upon you and if you are not careful enough slowly you start seeing everything in grey, even the colours.
You will never truly belong to these places even though you are living in them. You can sink into the present culture, the way of life and the city that soaks you up shows you its real face.
As a child it is often much more difficult to go through certain experiences, since you cannot really understand, grasp why places, people, schools you go to are so different. A child thinks without barriers, in a free way and has no idea why there is diversity, cultural bridges, and gaps.
Nobody chooses where and to whom they are born to. Some are lucky and others are not. You can’t change your birth, your origins, but you can’t even refer to it, and it cannot be anyone’s excuse. We are all born free and it is only upon us how and if we really want to shape our life.
Perhaps this is life’s biggest challenge, to bring out the most of good that serves our happiness within the present existing conditions. Not pointing out fingers to this and that and looking for excuses, but standing up and fighting even if life reserves only slaps for us in the beginning. It all depends on how long and how many times you can stand up from these slaps in the face, and after a while these slaps and the pain will ease and will just become memories, forming part of our Story.
We are the ones who form and shape our own life and not others. Free will and the right for happiness is a basic right and element of existence of each and every Person on Earth independently of the conditions, environment of their living.
This is what I have learned during my travels, my wanderings, my search and this is what has become the basic element of every little cell in me…
Read further The Inspirationalist book.